Guest post by David M. Matthews
(Note: If you like this post, stay tuned…David and I are teaming up, working on something extra special just for you. And if you want more of David, grab his book, Every Man Sees You Naked. It’s a great read!)
I think it is appropriate that my one of my first few columns should deal with the most fundamental truth about men, and that is this: Men are simple.
I know some of you may be thinking that I’ve completely sold out my brethren in an effort to pander to my female readers and gain their trust. But that is just not true. Because “simple” is not bad, or inferior, or lacking value and substance.
“Simple” means simply…not complex. It does not mean devoid of emotion or intelligence or empathy.
No, men are quite capable of deep emotion, tremendous empathy and stunning feats of intellectual prowess. It’s just that men epitomize the axiom, “what you see is what you get.” You may try to credit us with great depth and complexity, but truly you are “barking up the wrong tree.”
It is quite understandable, however, why you would believe that there is much mystery and intrigue bubbling just under our hairy surface. That is the way YOU are (minus the hairy surface, usually).
Because, unlike men, women are amazingly complex creatures. When you speak, your words are often filled with subtext and deeper meaning, which other women inherently understand.
But men are oblivious to the subtle nuances of your conversation. Sure, they understand the words, but they fail to grasp the hidden messages, the unspoken emotional underpinnings. They take your words at face value.
Why?
Because men are simple.
I know this may be hard to believe, but consider this: How often have you asked your male significant-other, “what did you mean by that,” only to have him stare blankly back at you as if you’d just spoken to him in ancient Aramaic?
From your point of view, your question is perfectly valid. He said he doesn’t feel like going to the beach today, but you know that what he really meant is that he’s noticed you’ve packed on a few pound and is ashamed to be seen in a public place with you and your flab. And you know this because you “read between the lines,” and ferreted out his true meaning.
Thus, you are justifiably indignant. How dare he comment on YOUR girth, when the last time he saw HIS toes, Paris Hilton was just a luxury hotel in France.
And your assessment of his contemptuous comment would be absolutely accurate, were he a woman. But he’s not – he’s a man, and he’s clueless about subtext. So, when he said he didn’t feel like going to the beach, what he REALLY meant was he didn’t feel like going to the beach.
Nothing else. No underlying meaning. No couched insult.
And he gazes helplessly back at you and your indignation, mind-racing, trying desperately to figure out how his lack of enthusiasm for surf and sand have provoked your ire.
You see, men talk in an overtly literal manner. For us, words are merely tools of communication (pretty much all things are tools to us – you know how we love our tools), which we employ, with no great pleasure, for their utilitarian benefit in attaining a specific goal.
We want something, so we ask for it. We like something, so we praise it. We hate something, so we denounce it.
Very practical…and very simple.
Consequently, we don’t understand the fact that you regularly dissect interpersonal intercourse, extracting information that completely escapes us.
YOU are complicated. YOU are analytical. YOU are deep.
WE just want you to like us, laugh at our jokes, and have sex with us at the drop of a hat.
See? What could be “simpler” than that?
What are your thoughts? We would love to hear from you. Please leave a comment below.
David M. Matthews, the author of “Every Man Sees You Naked: An Insider’s Guide to How Men Think,” writes a popular relationship advice column and privately coaches people on dating and relationships.
He is also an Emmy-winning composer who has worked extensively in Hollywood as a writer, producer, and director for features films and network television. To learn more about David, visit www.everymanseesyounaked.com.
{ 4 comments… read them below or add one }
Put that way, there’s just no argument
Very interesting read. And here I always thought I new what simple was! To me simple was always ‘simple’ and somehow also meant minus empathy etc. I don’t know why, but I’m thrilled to know I was WRONG!!!
As a man, I have to agree with the notion that it can be very frustrating when women speak in what feels like some sort of code. Sometimes, when this happens, I will say in a jokey, sing-song way, “Say what you mean, mean what you say/ Things work so much better that way.”
I don’t know if this makes me feel better or worse about men. Simple on one level can be kind of Zen … on another level, it’s straight up boring. And feels like we give so much of ourselves to them and it isn’t really all that appreciated if at the end of the day they really could have less what was going on for us beyond: did we like him, did we laugh at his jokes, just have sex with him at the drop of a hat.
Just curious if men are like this b/c they biologically are or b/c we live in a society that lets men off the hook from engaging more. I certainly know guys who are capable of doing it. And most of them say men are (simple) like that b/c they’re allowed to be. Because it’s easy and there is no real societal pressure to be otherwise.
So, I’m not sure, David. I hear what you’re saying. I see evidence of it everywhere. But I’m not particularly comforted by it. It’s kind of hard to ever feel like some one truly ‘gets you’ if they are too simple to understand your nuances and complexity (which is what makes you, you).